Flying Under The Influence.

Announcement: Drug and Alcohol Testing.

Marvin's heard rumour from an insider at the Agency of Space Safety (A.S.S) that there are suspicions Pilots have been entering into battle under the influence of various 'frowned upon' substances.

Those mainly in question are of an alcoholic, herbal or red food-colouring based nature.

There are concerns over civilian safety and due to some recent bad publicity regarding the loss of a government carrier, random testing may well be employed.

If selected, Pilots will be required to provide either a urine sample, undergo a saliva swab test or endure the rigorous probing analyser.

Positive results could see you on the bench Pilot... with no pay... and the possibility of an intergalactic court marshall.

So here's how it is. Unless YOU want The A.S.S in your face... Fly straight and piss clean Pilots.


...Personally Marv don't fly into combat without a quart of bourbon on his lap and a flask of fine single malt in his pocket and he certainly doesn't take a whizz unless its in the company of a blue-alien-ladyboy-contortionist.

*Pauses to reflect*


Stay safe Pilots!

Swarve out

I'm going to have to see if Jazzycat has any free samples I could bum off him for the test....

I'm glad to be a pirate! I don't launch without at least a 26 of rye, a couple grams of blow and 2 hookers.

I never smoked, never fucked and was never drunk in my life.

Nyxy wrote:I'm glad to be a pirate! I don't launch without at least a 26 of rye, a couple grams of blow and 2 hookers.

How do you fit 2 hookers in the- ...wait, I know how.

Huh, sounds like I'd have a better chance getting a clean sample from Abstractness instead of Jazzy. God knows what that cat puts in her body to get rainbow farts, probably something banned on Earth...

Loki wrote:

Nyxy wrote:I'm glad to be a pirate! I don't launch without at least a 26 of rye, a couple grams of blow and 2 hookers.

How do you fit 2 hookers in the- ...wait, I know how.

4 if they are midget hookers. My Viper is like a clown car for hookers.

Nyxy wrote:I'm glad to be a pirate! I don't launch without at least a 26 of rye, a couple grams of blow and 2 hookers.

Not a pirate, a mercenary. There's a difference. We get paid to be bastards, not steal because we are bastards.

It would do you well to remember that when squadron supports your habits... Hookers and Rye for everyone!

Agent of Change wrote:
Not a pirate, a mercenary. There's a difference. We get paid to be bastards, not steal because we are bastards.

It would do you well to remember that when squadron supports your habits... Hookers and Rye for everyone!

Dually noted!

So long as I get rye, and the health plan covers penicillin then I'm okay!

health plan... psssh who expects to live long enough to need health care!?

have some more blow and go kill something.

Abstractness wrote:I never smoked, never fucked and was never drunk in my life.

Nostromo, mate... even *if* I did any drugs or smoked the test results would get completely skewed by the amount of caffeine (and occasionally alcohol) running through my system. But, to be considerate, I've stopped chugging back the stim-brews just before flying...

Don't get confused Space-boy!

Hookers, midgets (or Dwarves as I believe they prefer to be referred to as... Lets just say 'little people'), Animals and vibrating appliances... are not tested for in a Random Drug and Alcohol - urine, saliva or anal probe - Test. Stand easy on that quandry.

It is strongly advised that the majoirty of sexual deviance be left on the carrier Pilot, and that your mind stay focused on fornicating the enemy's brains through their control console.

You should also bear in mind that there is a weight, space and oxygen limit in these ships. Especially the V66 which can only accommodate the prick who is flying it.

*"Look at me in my V66. Oooo look at me!!!". "KAPOW!!" says Marvin, "Space turds taste better fried!"...*

Anyways Pilot. Marvin's never had more than two non-specific farm animals in the cockpit at any one time. The ship handles like hell and Marv's scotch is damn near unobtainable for the duration of that battle.

Stay sanitary Pilots.

Out.

After doing some 'testing' now and then with the ol' liver-cleanser, I must say that in some situations the lack of restraint on your actions proves useful...

Sure, your reflexes get progressively sluggish and vision becomes impaired somewhat at the 5-6 s/drinks mark (or more likely, a nauseating response to rolling)... But everyone's had that situation (and many others I'm sure) where you're flanked from either side and are stuck choosing who to run after first.

After substantial inebriation you tend to find your first reaction is probably the best, since you often don't have time to reconsider... just, don't, overdo it.

More 'testing' required, however...

Abstractness wrote:I never smoked, never fucked and was never drunk in my life.

I envy most of that statement. Welcome aboard Marvin !

the_anger wrote:More 'testing' required, however...

Agreed.

I only use nicotine (vapor form) and caffeine (various liquid forms) to sharpen my reflexes and situational awareness. Lord knows I need all the help I can get in the middle of a furious fracking furball during S&D Broadsides.

I can neither confirm nor deny the presence nor absence of female humans, humanoids, aliens, and just plain ol' squirrels accompanying me during any of my missions. Just don't look under the pilot's seat of my Swordfish...

Too late...

I always remember to bring leashes for each and every small drunken critter in the cockpit. I don't think I could handle one of my friends getting lost somewhere.